What is my problem?

Good morning world,

I’m just waking up this morning. So quick story, I don’t want to be successful subconsciously. I’ll explain. So I started trading stocks/forex about 4 years ago. At this point I know exactly what I’m doing and pretty accurate about how the market moves, but I keep fucking up because I can’t control my emotions. It really is a sickness.

So I’ve planned out these next 2 weeks trading to a T. And surprise surprise, the market is doing exactly what I anticipated. But guess who didn’t take the plays and actually took a couple plays in the opposite direction. You guessed it, this guy. I’m so frustrated with myself at this point. I also am just coming to the realization that my current girlfriend is a perfect mirror of who I really am. A bad person that thinks they’re good. I make excuses for a lot of things and write off a lot of what I do to depression and not a lot of shit gets done. I’ve also told my parents for the better part of two years I get trading, and I’ll change their lives and nothing has changed. The boy who cried wolf. WOW. I’m not shit either. I mean I knew that but when you really dig, shits ugly as fuck. We’re working on it though. So I’m up at 6 a.m. trying to find something, anything to rearrange the current trajectory of my life.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I have to psychologically win this war. My life and my soul depends on it. I just have to keep looking for ways to mentally win. Maybe a reward system that diminishes over time. Or it could stay the same if it’s working. You don’t always get things for doing what you’re supposed to do but I can always give myself something. Even if it’s only words. Idk. I’ll make that my priority today.

I need to lose this girlfriend too. I made a promise that I would try my best with her for 45 days, but honestly, this shit is exhausting dealing with someone that clearly doesn’t want you. I guess it’s partially karma. Enough about her though.

So today I think I’m going to do a home workout, (cardio day is Wednesday/Saturday, so I’ll most likely just get on the treadmill). I’ll stretch and hop on the computer. Track the market a bit, smoke and journal. Then dive into the book again, this time taking notes and applying it personally to my life. I’ll break it up into sections of 30. Then I need to see if the market has any offerings for me today and in the afternoon, I’ll try and do something with my momma and relax. I need to eat better too. I’m slick skinny fat. I have a gut that I’ve been sucking in for years. Doesn’t everyone though? No? Just me? Ok.

Wish me luck on a productive day! And to my wife, I miss you and I’m sorry I’m taking so long, but it’ll be worth it I promise.

Oh and the 45 days with cruella ends march 4.

Xoxo